Quiz: Should YOU Own A Volkswagen Bus?
From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old Volkswagen Buses get The Question. You know what I mean: a
co-worker or a friend or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light gleams on the one good fender
of your pride and joy and say, "Maybe I should get one of these. What are they really like to own?"
To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched quiz (meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing
off on this instead of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such times. Keep a supply of these
handy -- to order, reply by electronic mail and please have your Visa card number at the top of the message -- and just
pass them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic bus, and says "You know, I always wanted one of those ..."
This quiz will give them the definitive answer to the question of whether they are the right kind of person to own a
Volkswagen bus. Use a #2 pencil, take your time, and remember, answer truthfully -- the marriage you save may be your own.
1. You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens. You:
A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer where you pay to have the charging system
fully inspected. The dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for a new battery, and
you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.
B. Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another
$30 to have it installed.
C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your stable is currently running and drive around at high
speed to charge the battery quickly.
D. Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and cigarette lighter (or mallet, if you are less mechanically
deft) to jar the solenoid loose.
2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a new battery. You:
A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk loudly about small claims court; this time
they charge you $780 to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they throw in a new
pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal
anyway and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).
B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new
model before the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license, depreciation, interest, and dealer
markup, of close to $6000.
C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-
off switch and install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax and a new grease-impregnated felt
ring for under the terminal.
D. Rig an extra 10 guage wire to give the solenoid an extra shot at working while your clothes are still dry
(but keep that screwdriver handy) and start parking on top of that small hill close to your apartment.
3. Starting to think about selling the car, you dither about what to get as a replacement, and finally decide on:
A. Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave it their highest overall rating.
B. Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated
this brand in the top three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.
C. A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car's going to have problems, you might as well have something
absolutely useful and functional and big enough to sleep in, right?
D. Keeping it. Who sells cars? If it's worth money to someone else, it's worth restoring, or at least parking it
out back of the house until you can get around to working on it.
4. When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:
A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a free courtesy van and loaner cars while
yours is in the shop.
B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that has the model you like in that wicked
opalescent plum, with the huge lighted vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.
C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your knees get weak and you know that if you
don't have THAT car, you will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
D. Because you have a spare engine that might fit, and the floorboards aren't *that* rusty. Besides this one
looks *challenging*.
5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
A. $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory invoice because the dealer showed you a computer
printout.
B. The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home, knowing you made a great deal because they
gave you *your* full asking price on the trade in.
C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have in your 401(K) and next month's house
payment. I mean, some things are just more important than others.
D. The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook up to the bumper.
6. When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:
A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when the preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy
Meal on it and then sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on the paint.
C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see where the drips under it are coming from.
D. Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it was, as you vacuum out all the old roaches and stash bags.
7. You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you own this car, you:
A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components you can add to enhance the bass response on
the CD-player.
B. Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to see what rims will make it look really
baaaaad.
C. Look through the ads in the current issues of Hot VWs and VW Trends to see who is having a sale so you
can stock up on the parts that you expect to fail in the next few months.
D. Start calling junkyards near and far to see who has a spare left rear taillight lens.
8. When it's time for your first oil change, you:
A. Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
B. Take it to Sears -- after all, it's important to have a handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
C. Do it yourself, in the garage or carport. Drain the engine, and refill it with Castrol -- after all, the Porsche
racing team was sponsored by Castrol for all of their famous wins in the Sixties and Seventies, and Dr.
Porsche designed the engines in the VW Buses, too.
D. Do it yourself, using whatever Autozone has on sale. And while you're down there, see about those
pushrod tube seals and set the valve clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust gaskets (cause it's
been a bit loud lately), which makes you notice a hole in your heater box, but luckily you have some
aluminum tape ...
9. When it has to be left overnight for service, you:
A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of driving the loaner car, which is the next most
expensive model, equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD jukebox. Driving your old
car isn't going to be the same after you've been in this one.
B. Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality means you should never have to worry about service,
right?
C. Put it off -- after all, the dealer has nothing but morons and crooks working there, who don't know
anything about fixing buses at all. And the independent mechanics just laugh and make jokes about your
sanity when you drive up.
D. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks while you wait for the new cylinder heads in
the mail, cause the old ones got really damaged when you used that air impact wrench to put in those new
sparkplugs, cause it was much faster, and you did that so you would have time to fix that heater box and
you can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you don't run the heater till then...
10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow your car. You:
A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's advanced safety features will protect the driver even in
the case of an accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.
B. Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and
that you need the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.
C. Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang of Bus Driving, the philosophy of Belligerent Defensive
Driving with No Crash Protection, how your butt drops out from under you during panic stops, how it only
SEEMS like you are going to tip over as you go around corners, and how you really don't think it's a good
idea for people who have never driven a Bus to start now, because of the current political situation
downtown and the alignment of Jupiter with Mars.
D. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start the car on the first three tries (using the switch
that feeds that extra 10 gauge wire), how to keep it running without stalling until it warms up, and how
the headlight switch operates the backup lights, the bass button on the radio works the parking lights and the
heater fan, the rear defroster switch works the high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still broken
even after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket and a towel to wip the condensation off
the inside of the windshield. Oh, and don't forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter. You don't want to
know what happens if you do that.
YOUR SCORE:
If you answered "A" to more than five questions, you should own a new European Luxury Sports Car. Rush right out and buy one.
Now. The manufacturer doesn't matter much, as long as it is German, Italian, British, or Swedish. Don't buy French
makes; their names are hard to pronounce and they are not spelled correctly. And they are not very fashionable right
now. Be sure to get one with a large model number, like 500, 850, 928, or 9000 (stay away from small model numbers like
80, 280, 320 ... small numbers indicate small minds, and get no respect from dealer service personnel). Front-wheel drive
is the current vogue and will therefore make you and your car much more unique and more fashionable. Be sure to ask the
dealer salesperson about what all those letters and numbers on the tires mean; after all, it is the job of the
salesperson to be completely informed on every technical aspect of your car, right?
If you answered "B" to more than five questions, you should own a Japanese car. Any kind, basically; they're pretty much
inter-changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's a two-letter code with at least one X in it.
That's the important thing.
If you answered "C" to more than five questions, you may actually already be far enough gone round the bend to own
a Volksagen Bus. To determine which generation Bus you should choose, look at the answers you gave which were NOT "C":
-If you answered mostly "A" to the other questions, you should get a Eurovan.
-If you answered mostly "B" to the other questions, you should get a Vanagon, preferably a water-cooled model.
-If you answered mostly "D" to the other questions, you should get an air-cooled Vanagon.
If you answered "D" to more than five questions, not only do you qualify to own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly
the type who NEEDS one, especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or perhaps a Bread-Loaf Bay-Window Bus. To decide
for certain, put a half-pound of crushed ice in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with used motor
oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain overnight, smiling like an idiot ... because you know that
Suffering Builds Character. If you manage that, you're in the club!